MAAAAAH FACE

Busy

Just a quick word to say, "I'm swamped"! Trying to finish the writing part of my mémoire this week, while also calling up companies and trying to get last minute interviews. Fun, right?

But WHATEVER, because I'm going on a 750 KM bike ride to Venise in 11 days! So I'm going to get this mémoire done so I can roll my way on to IBWE 2009!

I'm aware that I'm breaking my New Year's resolution to write very often, but I can't right now. Every word I have must go into that mémoire!

See you on the flip side!

Talking in Class

The French talk in class. Not quick and quiet whispering, but they have actual conversations in the back of the room. The worst is when they all show up in full force like in my marketing class. We have five French girls that sit in the back of the classroom and giggle, chit-chat and disrupt the class during the entire six hours of the day.

 I don't understand it. I can't understand it. I won't understand it.

I know this is a bit of ridiculous ranting, but seriously - in the US if we talk in class the professors will actually tell you to leave (not ask- TELL). Three days ago in my marketing class, the French girls were up to it again, and the professor actually told them that she didn't mind if they talked, but if they would only talk more quietly. I think my mouth fell to the ground at that point. But then it got worse, when the professor went on to say that she UNDERSTOOD that her class might not be interesting to them, but they had to talk a little more quietly amongst themselves.

I mean what professor in their right mind tells her students that not only is ok to be disrespectful, but that they just need to do it more quietly! GAAAAAAH!

I mean, aren't they embarrassed at some level? I know I would be. If someone called me out in class and told me I was being disrespectful, I would stop immediately mostly out of embarrassment. But the girls in my class, just look the professors squarely in the eyes and glare at them like they are trying to say HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I AM TALKING AND THAT I NEED TO DO IT MORE QUIETLY. It is the most insane thing ever.

It makes life very hard to concentrate, and it is a pet peeve of mine to say the least that makes me want to tear my hair out.

One by One

This semester has kind of thrown me for a loop. Not only do I have my mémoire to worry about, but I am also taking 6 classes. Though interestingly enough, I am not taking them all at the same time. Let me explain...

For some reason, my school decided to make us all take each class (2 majors and 4 electives) one by one.  This is the first time I have ever done this and it is a pretty stressful system in terms of order, but day to day the schedule is much lighter.  For instance, during this week I had 3 days off and only two days of classes.  So technically, I had time to work on my mémoire and do a bunch of other things, but with me not being very motivated and also sick, my productivity level was not where it should have been. The reason the order is stressful is that I have to start a new subject every 2/3 weeks, meaning that I have no time to figure out what the professor wants or get comfortable with the material. It is all just BAM and WHAM and then there is final exam that comes out of nowhere- all too sudden, all too soon.

 January started off with my Human Ressources major that I have to take for 45 hours as compared with the electives that only  take 30 hours of my time. It all seems weird to say the very least, because at Northeastern to get a major in a subject, I had to take four classes (each a semester long) and then two electives in that major. Awkward, right?

I've almost completed my 45 hours of HR classes and to be honest, I don't really feel like I have majored in HR at all.  On Friday, when I take my exam, I will supposedly have completed my 'major' in HR, but does 45 hours of anything really mean that much? I can't say that I feel they do, especially when Northeastern is counting my 'major' as the equivalent to the Introduction to Human Ressources credit that all Northeastern students need to graduate with a business degree.

My next class is going to be the Marketing 'major'. I've talked with some of the other students that took it during this period and it sounds pretty elementary. But to be fair and openminded, I will give it a chance and update after the 45 hours have been completed.

Next on the list for melodramatic...

The sad truth about graduating from an international school is that come July, we will all be going our separate ways. 

No one want to talk about it. It's the ever looming elephant in the corner - if we talk about what our future holds there is just the silent ever growing distance, our promising futures in all different parts of the world.

I hate saying that I am going back to the states next summer even if I am excited for what the future holds. I mean, I'm pretty excited for my prospects: working for a new and exciting company, finding a new city and finally making my way in the world. At the moment it is almost certain that I will go back to live and work for awhile to start my career and become a real person. So I don't know why I feel that sick feeling akin to failure when I admit that a one way ticket to the US is in my future. 

Why does it feel so much like giving up?

I stayed for the second year. I'm one of the ones who made it and then made the choice to stay and battle out the memoir, and take a whole new battery of tests. That was supposed to be my challenge.  Now looking to the future, I see myself challenging myself to stay again, but maybe this time it's for the wrong reasons.

Maybe it's because I know how much easier things will be in the states : I'll be speaking my own language, I'll be working in my desired industry, and I'll be closer to my family - or at least reachable in an easy inexpensive phone call.  After a year and a half of constant struggle, maybe I don't feel like things should be easy anymore.  What if I'll miss the struggle, the foreign and awkwardness, the pain in the ass cultural differences? Because like it or not, who I am right now has been founded on the fact that I am rarely ever in my comfort zone and that I'm always trying news things.

And I know, I know there will be challenges along the way - challenges I can't see clearly right now or that don't seem as significant right now.

So I guess maybe it's just that I'll feel less special next year. It's an idea that I will have to come to terms with.  There won't be the looks of surprise at my accent or my fluency in their native tongue. Being normal is a very different experience then what I am dealing with right now. Everyday I am noticed, where it be negatively or positively, and I am treated differently.   Some may see this as altogether negative side effect,but I'm used to it.  I'd even go as far to say, I like it. But the big fear of going home is that I'll just be one of the many, and maybe that is not what I'm ready for.

A MAAAAAAAAH kinda week

The first week of school is almost under my belt and though there is a bit of smug triumph in my step these days; I can only be slightly smug, because EVERYTHING FELL APART THIS WEEK (warning : use of hyperbole).

I went on my inaugural bike ride on my new-old-awesome-vintage bike to my school on Friday and on Saturday, I went down to find it with a flat tire :-(.  I was pretty sad to say the least (ok I was rightly bummed) as I just adore my bike and enjoy seeing my reflection as I ride - like every time I get a glance of it I'm like OMG WHAT A CUTE BIKE. But I was bummed as Monday was the first day of school and I didn't find the flat until 5pm on SAT meaning that nothing was open and there seamed to be no hope until Monday.  I'm slightly reasonable so I felt I could handle not having a bike until Monday/Tuesdayish.  But then near 10pm on Sunday night I remembered that there was a STRIKE scheduled for the bus system, meaning that I had to do the 25/30 minute walk on foot :-(. But I didn't despair...then. I took a deep breath and dealt with it.  I came up with the genius idea on Monday to walk my bike with me as all the bike repair shops are near school.

Sounds like a good plan, right?

As I miserably schelped with my bike at my side to school on Monday morning, I stopped in front of the door of the bike shop. My pulse jumped as I looked at the 9h00 opening time and it being pretty much 9h00 - I was totally excited. I pulled the door. Nothing. GAH went my head as I realized that the shop was closed on Monday.  I had a mini tantrum in my head and then shuffled along with my bike, careful not to tarry as I had my first day of classes to contend with and so many wonderful friends to see for the first time in AGES!

So that's the bike story - finally got it into the shop the next day and wheels are not too expensive.  I'll be picking up my little beauty tomorrow.

NEEEEEEXT. . . .

The day I get back to Reims, my battery adapter breaks. Ok, so my adapter had been broken before, but I had craftily decided to replace it in the states off Amazon, because it was a whole lot cheaper. Well I got a slap in the face for trying to outwit Apple and their painful pricing.  Not only did I not have a computer of my own till Tuesday, but I had a ton of things that I needed specifically from MY computer. It was just plain annoying and I ended up having to dish out the extra money anyways. ARGH - bonus, I now have a european extension cord, which is pretty convenient. 

That is the first bit of computer drama.

Second bit of computer drama... started about 5 hours ago when I came on and couldn't see the wifi connection.  I took a deep breath as I digested this information and then naturally asked my roommate if it was working for her. It was. GAH. Nothing is more frustrating than being the only one without Internet. BAH AND GAH. When my other two roomies got home they also checked and again we got a 1-2 ratio. Totally exasperating. I mean seriously there is no way to feel you are fixing anything when it is HALF working.

I'm hoping to all hope that tomorrow when I wake up everything will be fine, the internet needs to work and not (as I am pluggged in now) from an ethernet code, but from wonderful WIFI.

So that is today's update on what is going on; topped off with our landlord skulking around and works being done on our apartment i.e. no heat or hot water for the night and boy is it plain cold. I'm wearing a scarf and a sweatshirt.  I have so much to do, catch up on, and organize.  But all I really want to do is buy a cute pair of soft ankle boots.

Reflections on 6 months

My internship is slowly winding down. I've got a week left to go.  It's been an all around awesome experience that has taught me a lot and given me a bigger view about the internet, working abroad, and marketing in general.  I'm now deciding between finding out more and more about the inner workings of websites and also website design.  I know that I am going to need to be more proficient in design tools to make myself a better and more interesting candidate after next year.  I also know that I want to work in the states for a bit after graduation. 

Working in my second language has been a stressful and rewarding experience.  For 6 months I have constantly doubted myself and even though I know I am doing a good job (and have been told I am doing a good job), I come home feeling on edge and slightly desperate about my situation.  I just don't like feeling like I can't do something and sometimes the French part of my job was making things just out of my reach.  This has also made my French get a lot better, but it has been painful along the way.

It has also been a way for me to understand that I really like being good at what I do. I like owning my projects and taking the lead on them.  I want to be brilliant at what I do, and I think for that reason I am going to work in my maternal language for awhile.

I remember when I was in classes in the fall and I was constantly all like "when I'm on coop I'm gonna have so much free time", but here on my last week I can promise you that I have not had that much free time.  Or maybe I have had that time, but I haven't used it to my advantage, but seriously with the dollar falling short to the euro and my energy being vampired by French; I really don't know how I could have done better. 

And yet, and yet, I feel like there is still so much to be done, and somehow wrapped up in all of it that I have failed to get my share of it all.  That I failed to get really into the mess and beating heart of Paris.

Maybe deep down in all of this I feel like I was supposed to like Paris more than I do,  that I feel like my failure is in liking Lyon and Reims better than the capital of France.  I used to think that I liked living in big cities, but now I see that I like the smaller neighborhood feel of Boston and Lyon. The green spaces,  the easy navigation, and the comfort of not feeling lost in the mess. 

All in all I must say that I have had a wonderful time living in the Penthouse.  We have made a great run,  cooked a lot of delicious things and had a ton of good laughs.  I wouldn't give up our lazy days at home for anything. 

But I'm ready for Reims :-).

ps. This was all brought on by me wanting to go to this restaurant and it being closed for summer vacation. It made me realize ... there is a time limit to things.

Registering for NU Classes

I got an email two days ago, and I had to read it twice.  The first time my eyes kind bugged out of my head as I tried to comprehend what it said and what it meant both literally and conceptually.  The second time I read it I just felt nauseous. 

From my school:
"... I just wanted to send you a quick e-mail to remind you that registration for
Fall 2008 classes is well underway.  I know that some of you are
still debating whether to stay for the dual degree or not, but it may be
wise to register for classes and drop them once you decide.  By the
end of the week the Dean will be reviewing course enrollments and
cancelling sections that have low enrollment.  This means that your options
will be more limited (or sections will be full) if you wait."

I'm waiting on the results of two classes and it looks like I will be waiting till maybe mid-July.  So I did what I felt I needed to do: I complied.  But every part of me felt that it was wrong to do, this idea of "being safe" of "preparing for the worst" makes me want to die.  It makes me feel like a failure or that I'm planning on failing and for the record, I'm not, I'm not ready to call it quits.  I'm not ready to leave France. 

I'm ready to stay for a second year, to improve my French and attack that 100 page memoir.  I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

Even if I miss so many things about home, Boston and Edwin; I'm just not ready to go back.

These past two weeks. . .

A list of things I do not have:

• hot water


• a cell phone


• a checkbook


• a debit card with my name spelled correctly (Britanny Blackmon)


• the internet at my house


•  the courage to have another heated debate on the phone with Gaz de France

These things have been preoccupying my life for the past two weeks.  I pretty much go to bed knowing that in the morning I will have to live again the exact same horror that is French bureaucracy.  It gives me nightmares.

Not having hot water really sucks.  Dishes don't get cleaned, showers are not taken, it's gross.  But you know what really sucks? The fact that GDF can only have one person at a time take a look at my account and that they tell me they will call me back to make an appointment and then two days later I still haven't heard from them.  I call back and it's always the same response, they need to find the person that incorrectly closed my doissier.  It's official: I hate GDF.

I also hate BNP, because again in some ridiculous instant they decided that they would hold onto my debit card until one person (the same person that was on vacation from Friday to Monday) signed the paper that I gave for my bank account.  Because that one person has to sign every single paper that goes into my dossier. We call it "la logique française" which tends to be synonymous with "complete bullshit".

Action Plan

Today was the last day of my International Business class. Our last assignment was to turn in an action plan for our year abroad. I felt weird doing it. I don't like writing lists and I don't like boxing myself in that way. The minute, I write that I have to do something, I immediately don't want to do it. It is some form of ridiculous contrariness that seems to run amuck in my life. I mean I know it's "my" goal, but maybe I'm not ready to write it down. Maybe, I want to internalize it a little longer, let it simmer at the right temperature, and then (on my time) let it cool by the window. Maybe, I'm just a difficult asshole.

But grades being grades, I did it. I wrote about my travel plans, my plans for school work and mentioned how I want to make sure my French is fluent/ perfect by the time I leave France. All things that I could of relayed/ known about myself without a dumb project. So why the hesitation, if it was so simple? Well, I don't know. Ever since Coop, the thought of something as ridiculous as a class to prepare me how to culturally adapt has seems a bit trite. I don't know. Did the assignment take me that long? No. Do I want to complain about it anyways? Yes. There is something cathartic about writing down how irritated I am with that class and the fact that a graph was displayed every time we talked about stereotypes. I think there were some good points to it and the idiots that think everything will be as easy in France as it is here, definitely needed to take it, but JEESUS a five hour class for 4 weeks!

Btw. 20 days until I leave Boston.

Where do the Days Go?

I find myself in the middle of June and I can barely believe it. Well, I actually know where the days go and they are sucked into the black hole of full-time employment. Which is O.K., but slightly depressing at the same time. Lana leaves in two weeks and that is very very sad. I won't see her for a long time. Edwin goes with her. I will be visiting mid-July, but we have lived together for practically 3 years! So sometimes it is hard to say, "bye", but I am so happy for her! She has her living arrangement in Buenos Aires confirmed and will be living with a Dutchman and a German girl along with the Argentinian family. Also she plans to hike the Inca trail which means Machu Picchu is in her future. I really want to go to South America, it needs to happen.

I've been having weird back pain which has had me popping Advil and using a heating pad on a regular basis. To make matters more bizarre. .. I (gasp) have (more gasping) a cold! I never get sick. I rarely ever have a sniffle, but as of late the mucus in my sorry little nose has transformed into Niagara Falls. This is frustrating and I do not like being sick or the thought of being sick. I do not like carrying tissues. I do not like sneezing! I especially do not like being unable to breathe through my nose. No, this sickness will not do. It must go. Soon.

My little Chelsey needs to visit me. I miss her. I want her to do something Harry Potter with me, but I will settle for her company. She is good. I like being around her, she makes me laugh. I go to Ohio in 2 weeks, which will make me very happy. Because I will see friends and family. This will be the last time I can visit them for potentially 2 years and that is somewhat terrifying. My cousin is now 5 years old. I helped my Aunt fill out her adoption papers and now our family seems like it would be incomplete without her. She is a little spark of light and I love that my Aunt was able to find her. Sometimes things work out so perfectly and that to me is especially amazing.

Courtney will eventually come to visit me. I think she is planning on coming out here at the end of July. She is always fun to see the sights with and we always have a good time together. We might even go to NYC because Courtenious has not seen the Big Apple.

Things are coming together (and inadvertently falling apart at the same time).  I have a little more than two months left in Boston.